Saturday, May 31, 2008

The story of Oz

I love turtles. I always have. I don't know why. All I know is that my obsession has grown 1000x since we moved to Illinois. There are turtles all over the place. At one point we had seven turtles. Two box turtles in the yard, two big pond turtles in the pond and three red-eared sliders in a tank inside. Their names were Humble, C5, Mr. Chicken, Shelly (a neighbor kid named that one), Captain Hammer, Sam & Ella. I can spot a turtle from a mile away. The day before my birthday last year, I found a little baby box turtle crossing the path at the park by my house. Best birthday ever!

Ok, so here's my latest turtle story. We went to a resident retreat at the Lake of the Ozarks a couple weekends ago. On the way home I spotted a big, beautiful box turtle about to cross the street. I had to have it of course, even though there's a pretty hefty fine for removing wildlife. We named him Oz and put him in my footwell. He was mad. He wanted to bite me. I had to sit indian style to spare my toes. He sat down there hissing with his mouth open.

So then, of course, Jaymee gets pulled over for speeding. I'm more scared about the fine for the turtle so I put my legs down in the footwell to block the officer's view of Oz. My upper lip begins sweating (I hate how it does that) because I know at any minute I am going to be bit and scream out and give the game away. Every time the turtle steps on a wrapper or makes another noise, I had to put my hand down there to further block the view and also to make it seem as if I had made the noise. I thought I was going to lose a finger. I was so nervous. I'm sure I looked as if I were hiding drugs.

When the officer came back to give us the ticket, Jaymee started asking a bunch of questions.
Who do I call?
Where's the phone number?
Do you know the receptionist?
Is she nice?
Does she work every day?
Can I fight it in court?
Would I have to go to court out here?
Do you know the judge personally?
Is he nice?
How does he take his coffee?

All the while I am about to get eaten by a rabid turtle AND have to pay some massive fine. I start interrupting.
Ok. Thanks, Officer.
That's all we need to know.
We're sorry.
We'll never speed again.
You can go now.
Please leave.
Walk away from our car.

He finally leaves and Jaymee turns to me with daggers in his stare and says,"what the heck is wrong with you??!!" I point to the turtle and he says,"Oh crap! I forgot about the turtle!!"

So anyway, we take Oz three more hours in the car and release him in the backyard. I see him every day and fall in love with him. The day before we're supposed to move, however, he is missing. Shucks. We move and then I go back to clean the other house and get out of it because I FOUND OZ!! Yes! I brought him to the new house and released him in the yard by the pool.

Today, Jaymee ran over him with the riding lawnmower.

That didn't end how you thought it would, did it?


Brent & Jennie Taylor said...

You are classic! I'm so sorry to hear about Oz's doom. Darn Jaymee!

Rod and Kandace said...

Yikes! No...I wasn't expecting that at all. Poor Oz!

MH72 said...

Poor Oz.... but I can't help it - I am sitting here laughting. That was not the end I expected at all!!!

Anonymous said...

You guys have a riding lawn mower?
Wow. Big time.
Lisa B

Tami G. said...

Dang - I can't believe that. It's not just a story, it's a turtle saga. Surely that could be turned into a children's book somehow. A morbid one. Which is how we like them.

Cheryl said...

That reminds me of Melanie's story about trying to rescue a turtle crossing a road in Richmond. She parks the car and both kids' faces are glued to the window. She waits for the oncoming car to pass before grabbing it and SPLAT! Both kids were screaming and crying. She probably tells it better though. Poor turtles.

Anonymous said...

You'll pay a hefty hell.

shel7by said...

wow. i think anonymous is a chicken. why don't you tell me who you are so I know if I should laugh or be offended?

Toria said...

why are you so hilarious! I agree with Tami- turn it into a children's book.

Andrea said...

I never thought the death of a turtle would be so hilarious! I guess I'm not the only one who has killed the family's turtle now. My way was much more torturous and painful - baking him on the grill in the AZ sun. Jaymee was nice - short and quick, but messy.

Lexi said...

i'm pretty sure it's travis. he is hateful about dead things.

I love and hate that story. You should illustrate it. like your christmas bell story. In fact, I want a copy.

Anonymous said...

A halarious story, unless you're the turtle...for him it was more a series of unfortunate events.
-Melanie S.

Tracey M in Canada said...

Hysterical. Laughing my head off at 3:45 in the morning because I can't stop reading your stuff. The pic of Mason in the blue dress just about killed me....