Here I am once again in the middle of the night. I have been sleeping so good this week. I even grew 5 hairs on my leg. I thought perhaps my body was adjusting to this chemo and I wouldn't have to stay awake again. But it's not so. I'll shave those five hairs (it'll be nice to have something to do in the shower) for getting my hopes up!
Something I have been thinking about, or rather, something I think about when it crosses my path is side effects that I don't have to endure. I'm pretty lucky. My doctor even called me "atypical". (She can be so sweet.) I see a lot of people go through a lot of stuff worse than what i've got going on. Many people go through things harder than a treatable cancer. Even the people I see when I go to my treatments have it so much worse! They lose eyes or limbs! I can't taste peanut butter. See why I cannot complain? (At least not to them, right?) This week I decided I'm ever so grateful to not lose my hearing. Not that it was really on the table, but I have a lot of time to think. My mom lost her voice this week and it made me feel a little deaf. Worse than that, I couldn't hear MY MOM! Boy, that was a hard few days for me. I didn't realize how much I depend on her. She is everything. She is so good at making me feel so good. She's what we call a "gusher". I call her and say,"It hurt a little when i was picking my nose today. It's not related to the cancer, but it still hurt!" and she says,"OH Shelby! You are my hero. You are a champ. I am so sorry you have to hurt. Bless you! BLess you! Bless you!" I had categorized it as "over the top" until she lost her voice and now I know it is completely necessary and part of my healing regimen.
She has been this way my whole life. As it turns out, I wasn't all I thought I was growing up. I had a bit of an "awkward phase" for about 20 years and never knew it because my mom told me how great I was every day. That extra boost of confidence got me places I could never have gotten on my own. I believed her. I still believe her even if I don't always agree. That's one thing about my mom, she never lies. She won't gush over something false. So if she says I'm pure gold, I am to her.
I've been thinking a lot about her lately. She's coming next week. I'm so glad she's healed or forgotten last time she was here. I tried to put on her little shoes (she has many to spare) and walk around a bit. Those shoes have walked around this disease before. How would it be to lose the love of your life to cancer, raise six kids for last 12 years alone only to get hit with cancer again? (Plus, I'm in her top six favorite kids.) I think it kind of stinks. Not for me, I'm fine, but she shouldn't have to go through it again and I'm sad to do that to her. She was so helpful while she was here but also so sad. She was strong but I could tell it wasn't easy. She got thrown into a crazy house where I wasn't even there to tell her anything. I was still in the hospital and she took over my four-kid household without as much as a "the bus comes at 7:55. Camryn will probably forget her glasses. Mason will do anything for chocolate milk". Poor thing. Whom the Lord loves, He tests and I think my mom might be one of His six favorite kids.