Sunday, November 18, 2007

i'm so glad

Here I am once again in the middle of the night. I have been sleeping so good this week. I even grew 5 hairs on my leg. I thought perhaps my body was adjusting to this chemo and I wouldn't have to stay awake again. But it's not so. I'll shave those five hairs (it'll be nice to have something to do in the shower) for getting my hopes up!

Something I have been thinking about, or rather, something I think about when it crosses my path is side effects that I don't have to endure. I'm pretty lucky. My doctor even called me "atypical". (She can be so sweet.) I see a lot of people go through a lot of stuff worse than what i've got going on. Many people go through things harder than a treatable cancer. Even the people I see when I go to my treatments have it so much worse! They lose eyes or limbs! I can't taste peanut butter. See why I cannot complain? (At least not to them, right?) This week I decided I'm ever so grateful to not lose my hearing. Not that it was really on the table, but I have a lot of time to think. My mom lost her voice this week and it made me feel a little deaf. Worse than that, I couldn't hear MY MOM! Boy, that was a hard few days for me. I didn't realize how much I depend on her. She is everything. She is so good at making me feel so good. She's what we call a "gusher". I call her and say,"It hurt a little when i was picking my nose today. It's not related to the cancer, but it still hurt!" and she says,"OH Shelby! You are my hero. You are a champ. I am so sorry you have to hurt. Bless you! BLess you! Bless you!" I had categorized it as "over the top" until she lost her voice and now I know it is completely necessary and part of my healing regimen.

She has been this way my whole life. As it turns out, I wasn't all I thought I was growing up. I had a bit of an "awkward phase" for about 20 years and never knew it because my mom told me how great I was every day. That extra boost of confidence got me places I could never have gotten on my own. I believed her. I still believe her even if I don't always agree. That's one thing about my mom, she never lies. She won't gush over something false. So if she says I'm pure gold, I am to her.

I've been thinking a lot about her lately. She's coming next week. I'm so glad she's healed or forgotten last time she was here. I tried to put on her little shoes (she has many to spare) and walk around a bit. Those shoes have walked around this disease before. How would it be to lose the love of your life to cancer, raise six kids for last 12 years alone only to get hit with cancer again? (Plus, I'm in her top six favorite kids.) I think it kind of stinks. Not for me, I'm fine, but she shouldn't have to go through it again and I'm sad to do that to her. She was so helpful while she was here but also so sad. She was strong but I could tell it wasn't easy. She got thrown into a crazy house where I wasn't even there to tell her anything. I was still in the hospital and she took over my four-kid household without as much as a "the bus comes at 7:55. Camryn will probably forget her glasses. Mason will do anything for chocolate milk". Poor thing. Whom the Lord loves, He tests and I think my mom might be one of His six favorite kids.


Nancy said...

Shelby, you always make me cry. I think I need to call your mom

Anonymous said...

I have to say, Shelby, that I've found out that Happiness is such a healing agent. When people go through sickness, etc. upbeat and happy, they seem to heal quicker. I have found that out with my children and especially with you. You have been able to fight this fight with so much power b/c you have been happy. Now I know that it isn't a "happy" thing that is going on, but you are doing it with a smile and lots of laughter and I think that is amazing. You are doing a great job!!!!

With love always ~ Denise
PS. Your Mom is so AWESOME!

Katie Price said...

So funny, because Travis always says that he was the biggest dork but he never knew it because your mom always told him how cool he was. She is awesome. I love her.

Melanie said...

Oh I could go on and on . . . we have the best mom ever and she is amazing. I am so sorry that she has to deal with this all alone. Who hugs her when she's crying in bed? Who gives her blessings when she is just so sad? I wish she wasn't alone. I think dealing with this type of sickness with one of your children without a spouse would be horrible. I love her. She is so strong.

chrispy_rice said...

This is just oh so nice! Made me cry and cry and I will print it out and want the whole thing engraved on my headstone. Also, I am highly overrated.

Lexi said...

I cried and cried. It's so true. Every little thing I tell mom she acts like I'm telling her something that's fascinating- even about the hairs on my big toe- and I just threw that in the other night to test her.
She sure loves us.