Sunday, December 23, 2007

Endure to the End

That's what it's all about. It's easy to have a change of heart - for a little while. It's easy to make new year's resolutions and even keep them - for a little while. It's easy to go through cancer and get through chemo and keep a good attitude - for a little while. Now is the hard part. I feel myself slipping. This morning I spent forever trying to glue fake eyelashes and my wig on with fingers that don't work and had to give up because my kids needed me to get them ready for church, too. Here I am almost three weeks from my last chemo and my eyelashes and eyebrows fall out. I thought I was safe. I had lost a lot, but I had kept a lot, too. I'm sitting here "cancer-free" and I get sad over some dumb eyelashes? It makes me feel vain and ungrateful - which makes me feel bad - which makes me lose my positive attitude - which makes me want to sit on my island and cry for a while. Endure to the end! This reminds me of my first pregnancy. Everyone tells you about pregnancy. Everyone tells you about labor and delivery. Nobody tells you that after you have the baby, there's still a lot of junk to deal with. "What? I'm done! I had my baby. I'm not pregnant anymore!" Endure to the end, my friend.

In the beginning, I felt a lot of strength and resolve to be a kinder mom, a better wife and to do more service. The Lord gave me more time and I was going to use it for the best of things. This morning I yelled at my kids for losing their church shoes and yelled at my husband for having meetings every Sunday morning. Look at me go! Yell yell yell. I don't hink I yelled this much BEFORE cancer, so I'm not doing so hot on the endure to the end thing.

How many of you made changes in your own lives when this cancer hit us? I know it sounds so conceited to presume other people changed their lives because of some dumb disease that hit me, and I only say so because I know from your cards and emails that you have. Are you guys still going strong? What can we do for a recharge? My batteries are low. Hopefully yours are not.

I feel a little like I am letting people down by letting you in on my sad day. Everyone is always telling me how wonderful it is that I am so positive. I have felt really happy and fine until I got sick last week. It really bugged me that I couldn't fell better even though I wasn't going through chemo anymore. I feel better now, but my spirits are a little slower in recovering. I am going to be fine, you are going to be fine. We're all going to be fine - let's just be sure to keep praying for each other.

I love you all!


Lindsey said...

I have a friend that just went through kidney cancer with her 7 month old baby. A few months ago, their 5 months of chemo ended and she had the same reaction as you did. She said that that time was the hardest time. She said some of her darkest days were when they got the good news that Sophie was cancer free. She felt so guilty for feeling so depressed. I think the feelings you are having are so normal. It's like after Thanksgiving when you have slaved away all day cooking and the meal is over in 10 minutes and now you have the massive mess to clean up. It's like Christmas day, after you have spent your life getting ready to make this day magical for your kids and then it's over in a few minutes. Just know that we are all praying for you still and that hopefully we can all continue with the resolves we have made because of your experience with cancer. We can all help each other take baby steps to being better people. I love you and will keep praying for you. Merry Christmas!

Lexi said...

Dear Shelby,

I love you so much and I hate how sucky this has been! I've wanted you to JUST GET BETTER right when the chemo was over. I wish it was just like that.

You've been a superhero through this whole thing. You have been so positive...and I don't think that saying what's real- what's really going on- isn't being negative, it's being truthful. You're still a superhero- you just showed us your alter ego for a second. It makes us all feel better when we complain (even sometimes to you! Why would I think that's okay?) about or tiny little nothing trials even when we know a little about what's going on with you and what you're dealing with.

You're amazing. Your strength amazes me every day.

Katie Price said...

Give yourself some time. Allow yourself to crack every once in awhile. It's healthy. Quit trying to make everything perfect right now! Just get through your trials one day at a time. I yelled at my kids four times today and I don't have cancer. How's that for reality?

At girl's camp last year someone talked about trials, and how the Lord doesn't expect us to be happy about our trials. It's okay if we're sad, or angry, or upset for awhile. He just wants us to eventually suck it up, deal with it and learn from it. I definitely think you're doing that.

I'm glad you let us in on your bad days. It makes me feel better when you say you are doing well. Then I don't have to wonder if you're just trying to make us all feel better.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially not one of my favorite people in the whole world! I love you. I will keep praying for you. Hang in there.

PS: Did you get our Christmas package? We sent it a little late.

Anonymous said...

Remember... when you feel better we are going to Disneyland! See you soon.
Lisa B.

Andrea said...

I believe that Heavenly Father is looking down on us, not to judge (not yet), but to cheer us on. I think He looks down like we would to our own children , watching us stumble and powerless to help us up Himself, He whispers....It's okay, get up, try again. Come on, get can do it. It's in the realization and acceptance that you have stumbled which shows your true nature. The Lord knows your heart and that you strive to be so faithful and dutiful, that stumbling is near unacceptable to you. The high expectations of yourself prove the intent of your heart which is so amazingly good Shel. Please have a good cry on your island and imagine the thousands of hits on your website as thousands of arms supporting you and willing you to get up and keep trying. If I had never heard this quote, it's scary to think of what awful circumstances I would be in right now rather than the blessed life that I have. Remember have NOT failed until you have given up. Screaming at your children and your husband is human, not failure. We love you!

Anonymous said...

I saw this blog entry the other day, but was interrupted and didn't get to my post. My very favorite person in the whole world (other than Aaron, my son, and well everyone at Bazzill) wears a ring with ETTE on it, his brother has MS... go on and see if they still sell that ring, maybe on, but donny wears that ring to remind him to endure to the end. Enough said, glad you are feeling better, soon, disneyland sounds like a great reward!

Anonymous said...

Hey, Shelby! This is long overdue. I have been reading your blog, and can't wait to hear your next updates. You have been so strong, and it is good to hear your bad days too. Not because I want you to have them because I don't, but it shows your honest. You have been able to make the rest of us laugh through all of your entries, and been such a wonderful example of strength. I'm sure I yelled at my kids and husband today, but the thing is you noticed when you did. I just went on with my day. I need to learn more from you. I need to realize when I've done it and do something to change it. You're in our prayers. Thank you for being you. Julie Stosich (Hart)

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