Endure to the End

That's what it's all about. It's easy to have a change of heart - for a little while. It's easy to make new year's resolutions and even keep them - for a little while. It's easy to go through cancer and get through chemo and keep a good attitude - for a little while. Now is the hard part. I feel myself slipping. This morning I spent forever trying to glue fake eyelashes and my wig on with fingers that don't work and had to give up because my kids needed me to get them ready for church, too. Here I am almost three weeks from my last chemo and my eyelashes and eyebrows fall out. I thought I was safe. I had lost a lot, but I had kept a lot, too. I'm sitting here "cancer-free" and I get sad over some dumb eyelashes? It makes me feel vain and ungrateful - which makes me feel bad - which makes me lose my positive attitude - which makes me want to sit on my island and cry for a while. Endure to the end! This reminds me of my first pregnancy. Everyone tells you about pregnancy. Everyone tells you about labor and delivery. Nobody tells you that after you have the baby, there's still a lot of junk to deal with. "What? I'm done! I had my baby. I'm not pregnant anymore!" Endure to the end, my friend.

In the beginning, I felt a lot of strength and resolve to be a kinder mom, a better wife and to do more service. The Lord gave me more time and I was going to use it for the best of things. This morning I yelled at my kids for losing their church shoes and yelled at my husband for having meetings every Sunday morning. Look at me go! Yell yell yell. I don't hink I yelled this much BEFORE cancer, so I'm not doing so hot on the endure to the end thing.

How many of you made changes in your own lives when this cancer hit us? I know it sounds so conceited to presume other people changed their lives because of some dumb disease that hit me, and I only say so because I know from your cards and emails that you have. Are you guys still going strong? What can we do for a recharge? My batteries are low. Hopefully yours are not.

I feel a little like I am letting people down by letting you in on my sad day. Everyone is always telling me how wonderful it is that I am so positive. I have felt really happy and fine until I got sick last week. It really bugged me that I couldn't fell better even though I wasn't going through chemo anymore. I feel better now, but my spirits are a little slower in recovering. I am going to be fine, you are going to be fine. We're all going to be fine - let's just be sure to keep praying for each other.

I love you all!