Happy Birthday, Dad

Today my dad would have been 62 years old.

Sometimes I let this day come and go and try to be as normal and fine as I can. Usually, then when the day is over I sit down and wrap my hands around my knees in a shadowy corner of my heart and rock myself to sleep saying,"It's ok. It's how it was supposed to be. Don't be sad. You'll see him again one day. He knows you still. He knows Jaymee. He loves your kids." I try not to remember that sometimes I forget. It feels better to forget that you're forgetting certain mannerisms or what he liked to eat.

I have been missing him so much lately. He's been in my dreams and in my awake-time dreams, too. I try to imagine what we'd say to each other. What I'd want to tell him or show him. I feel like I'm more like him now than I was when he was here and we'd get along so well. Boy, would we be mad at Obama. And he'd have my same 44oz diet dr pepper with vanilla (easy ice) at Sonic. I'd probably tease him a little about how I didn't quit my chemo and he did. But then he'd remind me that he still worked the whole time and I'd shut up real fast. He'd do a lot of graphic design with me. It would have suited him perfectly. The blending of art and technology. Technology was his favorite color. Although, if you asked him, he'd say,"sky-blue yellow". I remember that.

So today, I decided instead of just getting by, I thought I'd remember. I did things I thought he would have enjoyed doing with me. I went to Sonic, test drove some cool cars and found some jewelry for my girls. It was plastic, but it was jewelry and I gave it to them from their Grandpa Ron. A few days ago when I was cleaning out our basement (he wouldn't have enjoyed that) I opened boxes that I never opened the last time we moved and found a tape he made for us just before he died. It had Father's Blessings and then on the other side, him talking to his best friend Bob Weaver about my mom and each of us and what his hopes and thoughts were. It's very sweet. I haven't listened to it for about 10 years. I thought it was lost. I located a tape player - seriously, I had to call around... no tape players anymore??? Then I bought a bunch of my dad's favorite treats - circus peanuts, ginger snaps, etc. and my kids and I sprawled out on the floor watching the ceiling, eating treats and listening to him talk. Even though I was 17 when he recorded it, it's still pretty accurate. He knew me well.

Camryn said she was sad he died. I'm certainly happy he lived and I got to be a part of it.

P.S. If you're sick of looking for a great present for my dad on his 60th birthday, how about donating to our Stop It  Run next month? Just a thought...