Melanie is right. I wander around all night. I'm awake most of the day, too. My eyes won't stay shut. Weird. It's about 3am and I made it all the way to the end of the internet, so i'm back here. I have to apologize. I feel like I say the same things over and over again when i get on, but these are the things of my heart. This is what I think about all night and want everyone to know. This is what I want to remember in the future when I get to say, "I had cancer when I was 30. It was a neat experience."
I've had a few different people ask me if i want to just sit down and throw a little pity-party sometimes. I don't. And its not because I'm a marvel or a super-hero. I have made lists over and over in my mind of all the bad and all the good that has come of this. The good list is much, much longer than the bad list and I think I would be so ungrateful to feel sorry for myself for one minute. There are things that I don't like, obviously! My fingers and toes are numb on the ends... and now my heels, too. My taste buds come and go. I have sores in my throat and weird jaw pain. I'm tired and sick sometimes. I'm bald. And there's other stuff. BUT I have felt all the love everyone in the world has for me and have been served daily by friends and family. My sweet husband bends over backwards to make sure I am comfortable and healthy and strong. He worries about me constantly and scolds me for sharing my fork with my kids or anything else that could get me sick. He wakes up with me in the night and hangs out until I get tired again. He sorts my jillions of pills and makes sure I take them every day. He kisses my head. Also, all of my family and friends have sacrificed so much to come and serve me. It is no small thing to get babysitters and help and plane tickets and time off to be here with me. It is so fun to have these people all to myself. They bond with my kids and I get to know everyone so much better. Katie is here now and it has been awesome. She has been so sweet. Mason loves her and I have loved all the conversations we have had. We had a really neat one tonight and it really touched me. She makes me want to be a better person and I'm really going to try. I know of no other way I'd get these opportunities. This is all so worth it. (And let me not forget that I don't have to shave. Definite perk!)
I've also been thinking about all the service, cards, emails, meals, gifts and things that I have been getting. I had been keeping a log and worrying about how I could ever pay all these people back. I worry about being even with people a lot and tonight the sweet feeling came to me that that isn't why people do this. Not only that, but Heavenly Father will pay them back. I can worry about those things later.
It is hard to go from being so capable to letting people do everything for you. I had a lot of pride in just how capable I was. I accomplished a lot every day. Today, I took a shower. A good one. It's hard to have your regular brain in a tired, sick body. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner. As time goes by, however, I am seeing this more as an opportunity. I was way too busy before and I'll probably be way too busy again. But not now and that is a gift. I get to cuddle with my kids a lot more. I read four books this week. I eat rainbow sherbet every day. I get to sit and talk to people for a long time. I have learned much about "what not to wear" and how to "flip this house". Maybe I'll learn spanish. Who knows? Does anyone want me to think about something for them?